Happy Halloween – Tricks & Treats With Tracy Caruso

It’s time to get Jolted for Halloween. In this week’s column, Florida Jolt brings you some dark trans truths, spooky campaign tricks fit for Halloween, electrifying punishments, a lawsuit, some bunnies to love, and more. Read on for some of the strangest news this month.

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For Halloween, Pretend to Be a Dem Volunteer

According to Florida Politics, there have been more tricks than treats during the State Representative District 91 campaign. Current Republican Rep Peggy Gossett-Seidman is running against Democrat Jay Shooster in a highly contentious and expensive campaign in Boca Raton. The Shooster campaign claims that a volunteer named “Max” tried to infiltrate the campaign and that the volunteer turned out to be Gossett-Seidman’s son. 

This may or may not be accurate, but one thing is for sure: that’s a lot of squawking from Shooster, a vegan-obsessed animal rights activist, who is said to have kept a chicken indoors as a pet.

Shooster must have learned a lot about chicken behavior from his pet, as evidenced by his never responding to questions on Facebook about why he was lying about Gossett-Seidman’s no vote against the six-week abortion bill. 

It sounds like that poor chicken was living with a duck since its owner sounds like a genuine quack. 

Chickens hate to be cooped up. Candidate Jay Shooster had a pet chicken he kept indoors.

 

Trans Golfer Stops Competing Against Biological Women

Men are physically stronger than women. For some reason, there will be people who read this and claim that this is a bigoted statement. It isn’t. It’s a biological fact that is in no way debatable. If I’m wrong, then someone tells me why trans men who were born as biological women never seem to be the ones competing in men’s sports and winning, but someone is now telling the truth: a female trans golfer named Nicole Powers. 

According to Fox News, trans golfer Nicole Powers has stated that she will not compete against biological women, saying, ‘I’m not a woman.’ Powers went on to state that she knows she has an unfair advantage, and despite being told that she “belongs” in female competitions, she disagrees and knows she would have to hold back to make up for her advantage. 

Electrocution – A Convenient Way to Stop Sign Stealing

According to the NY Post, one Hamptons resident got sick of people stealing his Trump signs, so he set up electrical wiring to deliver 14,000 bolts to anyone who tried to steal them. This seems appropriate for someone who wants to live in the big house instead of the big mansion. 

Bill Maher Has Been Loomered

Some jokes aren’t funny. According to TMZ, Bill Maher is being sued for 150 million dollars by political activist Laura Loomer for making jokes on his show, implying that she has had sex with former President Donald Trump. 

Laura Loomer Book Cover
She did not have sexual relations with that man. Listen up, Laura Loomer is suing Bill Maher for implying she had sex with Trump.

 

Use A Foreign Accent, Save Money

According to Unbelievablefactsblog.com, actor Hugh Grant saved a fortune by using a Scottish accent for years and pretending to be his own talent agent. So don’t be surprised if you call my number and you’re greeted with a clipped British “Chip Chip, love” by assistant Penny Dreadful. That may just be my made-up assistant. 

“Chip chip, love. Penny Dreadful, the assistant, is here.”

 

Caught With Pants Down – Puberty Blockers Don’t Help Mental Health

In perhaps the biggest gotcha of the week, according to the NY Post, a prominent doctor and trans rights activist deliberately withheld information concluded from a 10 million dollar tax-funded study on the effect of mental health on American children given puberty blockers. The study found no evidence that the blockers improved the patient’s mental health. 

Puberty blockers don’t help with mental health issues.

 

Saks Fifth Avenue Not Leaving Palm Beach

Shoppers rejoice. According to the all-knowing Palm Beach gossip site Palmer, Saks Fifth Avenue is closing on Worth Avenue but opening across the street in the Neiman Marcus space owned by billionaire Ken Griffin. 

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Robot Boinking Will Be The Norm in the Next Decade

I’ve often mentioned wanting a robot like Rosie from The Jetsons to do my laundry and clean my house. In a recent column in Florida Jolt, we mentioned Elon Musk’s line of companion robots that will be on the market soon for less than 30 thousand dollars. We’ve also mentioned the 2024 book Annie Bot by Sierra Greer, one of my favorite books of the year, about a fictional world with sex robots and what could happen if they became sentient. It looks like the world is becoming real, and it will happen sooner rather than later. According to the UK Sun, “We’ll be having sex with robots within the next 10 years.” 

You could be having sex with a robot within the next ten years. Sounds sterile.

 

Some Bunny Loves You

In perhaps the cutest news of the week, it turns out that a group of rabbits is called a fluffle. Feel free to pull that one out the next time someone asks you about some annoying thing that’s none of their beeswax. 

A group of bunnies is called a fluffle.

 

Most Frightening Book of the Year

William by Maison Coile is the perfect read for Halloween. It is a terrifying novel that can be read in one sitting. A demonic AI robot traps its creator, pregnant wife, and friends in the house. Prepare to be terrified and riveted. 

William by Mason Coile is the scariest book of the year and it’s a perfect one sitting read for Halloween.

 

Listen to a New Classic by Pickled Chopin

According to The NY Times, after nearly 200 years, an unknown waltz by classical composer Frederic Chopin was unearthed deep in the vault of New York’s Morgan Library & Museum. Chopin died in 1849 at the age of 39. Also, as was casually mentioned in the same newspaper, Chopin’s heart may be in a church in Warsaw right now. They say that it has been pickled in a jar of alcohol.

Wealthy Vampire In Poland Buried With Sickle

According to the Daily Mail, archeologists have made a gruesome discovery: the 350-year-old skeleton of an 18-year-old girl buried with a sickle across her chest, thought to prevent her from coming back from the dead. The story is the subject of a new documentary called Field of Vampires, which will be broadcast on Sky History. 

Most people would rather eat the friggin chicken than put it in a dress and call it Penelope the Pet. Only in Florida, friends. Only in Florida. 

Other stories you may want to read:

Jack’s 2024 General Election Conservative Voter Guide

Wayne Allyn Root: Las Vegas Oddsmaker Predicts Election Winner, Says This Is Exact Repeat of Reagan-Carter in 1980 — Tied for Months, Then on Election Day a Landslide. And Trump Is the New Reagan!

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